what is it to come? been through a tragic journey and all i could have right now are memories. memories that couldn't help me get up in morning without mourning. i wish actions were as easy as words. i wish that it's easy for me to take a leap of faith and not to regret anything. i wish that people were as rational as they should really be. i wish that wishes do come true. i just would wish. 

rough patches i went through will always be something that wold remind me that i was once a fighter, yet nothing nor no one could actually stop hurting me as long as i live. the happiness that i really want to possess will only be a goal as long as i live. the love that i really long is just something i could actually give. i have to be content with the warmth the people has offered me. i could give out more, i know. it's the essence of my existence. it's something i could always think about and be happy about. i am happy though right now, my heart is actually bleeding. 

You see I always think that I was never good enough or even enough. I never see myself being content with the things that oi have. I blame it to ambitions. I blame it to love. I blame it to people who spoiled me with love. Yet, I am always thankful. I am always thankful that I was blessed with not only god people. Best friends. Loving family. I am thankful that I have these values that I learned from all the experiences I’ve went through. The failures, frustrations, pains and the least laughter. Good old laughter. I miss that. I miss having to feel this freedom. Freedom that at last made me come to my senses. I worked hard for this freedom. I worked hard to achieve this peace. I worked hard to appreciate what had happened. I always work hard for the things that I want although it may not be what everybody wants. I’ll work hard for what everybody wants now, not because it’s the right thing they think it would be for me, but I know that it will be the best thing I could offer myself and my world.

For the past that I have given my life to, thank you for maing me realize  that how different we are. I knew that from the start but I still keep on pushing what I want because I did love you. Yet, everything must come to an end and God saw that I’ve been trying so hard to make everything work but it’s not that simple. It’s getting unfair. God saw how I made you my life and prioritize you which then was a ringing signal of self destruction. I knew all of that. i knew I was falling apart yet I never tried  to gave up because it wasn’t me who easily gives up. I have no regrets making you feel that way because I did all my best and gave all my love that no one can possibly provide you. I know you will never forget me and even if you are  with that person again, I know I’ll always be arounhd your thoughts and inside your heart. With that, justice has been served. 

HELLO BREED!

Indeed there are people who doesn’t have much of a breeding and a simple statement meant a lot of bad things to them. I ain’t a hopeless case. I ain’t pathetic. It’s always you I feel sorry for. I’m glad I even read that and it doesn’t struck me however. It gave me a thought as to how pathetic those kinds of people are. I pity you, lady. I even pity you, gentleman. You two deserved each other and I on the other hand deserve only the best. Although I regret I ever knew you, but somehow I am proud of myself because I know for a fact that I left a mark in your life. I know that I taught you a lot of good things and shared with you a sensible togetherness. Passion wasn’t the case, we both have that and it was a good thing, even the best, but what you were lacking of was a grip. A grip in decisiveness and a grip of what you truly feel.  I can’t blame you however. I know how it feels like handling me. I know I’m a handful but giving up? It wasn’t something I thought  you are even capabale of doing. Well, so now it was in the past and I’ll even start digging up and burrying that tragic story. It’s not good for me nor will it be to those people who greatly value my endeavors. Things happen for a reason and whatever the reason for this phase in my life, I will soon figure out. I wouldn’t again waste my energy trying to console myself that you are still inlove with me. I wouldn’t do a thing that I thought is full of sense and a mature approach to people who have pea-sized  brains. I thought everybody’s like me. I thought everybody has a wide understanding and perspective like me. I’m sorry, my bad. I am only surrounded with those kinds of people. I am still on the winning stand because another rotten tomato was definitely out of my box. Cheers to a happy life! 

CASCADE

when my lights go low, i noticed something lucid shattering inside me. it's like i see something more than "hope" itself. i see my life ahead of me, not too clear, but bright. should i see this as basis that even if i would just lay on my bed the whole day, my life will be at its best later? sometimes, i would feel full and then at times, i feel so empty. i could sometimes see myself strolling in the same old place, so familiar yet too dimly lighted that i would feel like i'm lost yet i am safe. when i doze off, i would often have dreams of me burning into a forest where i was a warrior who battled with fire just to save myself and at the same time trying to wake my physical body. i also had dreamed about drowning and another kid was trying to push me deeper into the water. i had again fought with the kid, struggling to be alive. again, i was dreaming like it was a real one.


recently, i talked to my brother. i asked guidance. i asked him to be with me and help me pick up my pieces, give me something worth to look forward to. i've been brave enough to face my life's antagonists, but why is it harder to fight myself? in the first place, why have i been myself's enemy? how did it happen? i was trying to make my life better which resulted to a kind of experience that made me despise myself. what am i feeling? where am i heading? whom am i going to talk to? is it enough to just allow things to drift away? do i still have better options? am i still given another chance? i am so tired, but i can't just give up the promise i made. for myself. for my family. for JR. 

EPILOGUE

all of a sudden, there was change
and yet i thought this is ephemeral.
all of a sudden, there was you
and yet sight was hazy till you came clear.
all of a sudden, there was emotions
and yet i was too scared what my eyes reveal.
feelings untamed, emotions overflowing.

insatiable i am.
grasping only what's given.
inseparable i wanted us.
will it be too much to ask?
blissful romance, a myth.
now, i wanted to believe.

there is us.
there you are.
i hate the minute we're apart,
yet i'm restless when you're around.
i'm alive, my breathing's shallow.
in time your around,
i couldn't help but bellow.
stay.
that's all i'm asking.
love.
that's where we should be heading.

INTRUDER

Another breaking, another aching. He could have been better, but for now he's the best. I see him now, or I'll see him never, what matters is that we see the line together. He could be, he should be or else I'll be the Frisbee. A momentary suspension, a lifetime to linger. He is here, though forever is an ideal. All there is, is one simple act: understanding, though it's very generic. This word's often taken for granted, yet I say, this word meant the mundane world. Where is he if I do not understand him? Where will I, if I chose to be misunderstood? He is right at my door, knocking and he will keep on knocking until he finally breaks in. When he does, I'll be just there, impatient,but loving.

I'll see you when I see you.

Of Blood and Tears

Why does the torturing won't stop? I see that bloody firmament and i couldn't pass by the meadow without my tears turned crimson. Oh, I hate the feeling of rejection because I know them too much. The most wicked torture I man-made myself. I allow these demons to eat me alive. I welcome the shadows of my past in my intense dreams. Would you, my loving world bring me justice? Or should I be the one seeking for it? It's always my downfall, and I don't think I'll ever learn the lesson. Or maybe I am addicted to the pain it gives me. I thought love is the morphine? Why then I still feel the wounds were never healed? The wounds keep on getting more abrasions. Will I wait for the numbness of my soul? Or should I just allow this to keep on burning 'till I'm used to it? I have been there. Now, i am again getting there. I know exactly how it feels, but I keep coming back. Why? Do I  have the feeblest heart? Do I deserve this? Or am I just cursed? Whatever the answers to these queries, I intend to be myself. It's the only defense I could come up with. I always have to take the risks even if it means being the bloodied lass, broken and alone in the end.