CYCLONIC FORCE

I often times think of what could there be if the sky is never blue on sunny days? and never gray when there's a storm coming? how will the earth be, if trees aren't green and lands are never brown? will the people be different or everything will still be the same? does one color has something to do with the way we believe things? does a particular color has the power to change a single thing?

sometimes, we tend to question the existence of something that is already there. we debate on things that shouldn't be argued about. we love to doubt on stuffs that we shouldn't mind of in the first place. human nature. that explains everything. we may tend to be so nosy because we have minds that are superbly unbelievable. we always have this variety of knowledge that either leads us to destruction (for worst) or bliss (for best). we have the tendency to be a monster and at the same time a saint. humans are really unpredictable. humans are superheroes themselves. we are the wildest jackass. we are the greatest theft. we have sins loaded on us, too unbearable yet too light to keep. we have tons of memories that are worth the blood-sweat. most of the times, we reminisce not because we have no choice when we're alone, but it's like a drug that we are addicted to. loving it as we continue on using it.

what has life to do with transitions then? i guess at some point in our lives, we tend to be someone we really wanted ourselves to be. although there is no specifics, we just go with the flow and adapt to whoever we're with. may they be good or bad, it usually depicts a sense of us. a sense of what we are really looking for and a sense of exploring our other side. when we are done with that, we actualize if we really wanted to be the person that we are or we need another transition that would greatly satisfy ourselves.

if i were to talk about my transitions, i can say that it has never been easy wearing a lot of different masks. it was never easy taking criticisms and negative feedbacks from people who do not understand why i am undergoing so many changes. it was never easy living a life so full and eventful with all those different throngs and a lot of hose who consider you an important friend, yet i have only a few in my list. the best lesson i gained from this is the maturity of handling relationships with other people and being a good friend. the bad lesson? is that i never grow with lessons i should be learning for myself alone. the aspect of my being where i should be exploring relationship with a man, and now that i am in a complicated situation with a person who doesn't even know he brought a lot of changes in my life, i think i am learning and that i am moving on.

life is indeed cynical. there will always be a sinister of storm clouds. yet, this shouldn't allow us to be hapless. we have to think of the rainbow after the storm. we have to think about the colors, and i would agree that indeed colors have a connection to our living senses.

CONVIVIAL ATMOSPHERE

what is still out there to make me feel worst? you see, i have everything in life experienced. i don't have to wait and wail about some issues because i am done doing it. i get away to search for something i do not even know what. i get away to somehow self-actualize, and yes i did. i get away to make me feel sober from all the spirits i have had in my hometown. i get away just to quench my thirst and now i am over hydrated. i didn't get away to really get away from him. what has all our memories do with that? it will always haunt me especially that i am alone and memories just keep on coming back... raw and fresh. i still silently cry at night reminiscing all those moments that had caused enormous pain and the moments that had caused joyful exuberance. i would still think about the one time i really felt like i was choked and that breathing was really hard. it would make me think, "how could that be so possible?" but then, things happen and if it pass as quickly as u blink, then good for you.

this time has been both a boon and a bane.i guess this is the best time i ever had in my life since i let things happen the way it's supposed to be. nobody holds it and nobody sets things freely. i am managing the events. i am taming my emotions. i am writing every chapters the best way i could. i am reviewing from all my bad experiences, and i am including His guidance in every step i take. what has life in store for me will always be bittersweet, yet i know that i will be the sweetest pea in the end. i don't have to agonize because i did not have the major things i wanted in my life right now, instead, i have to be so much thankful that my persistence had lay low. God has a really disapproving way of making us strong and fate has its own playful way of mending our pains. whether, i choose to laugh or to cry, the options will always be significant.

INTERVIEW

I will give to you my heart.
Will you take it?
Will u take care of it?
I will share with you my thoughts.
Will you read it?
Will you embrace it?
I will tell you I love you.
Will you believe me?
Or will you just shrug your shoulders and say nothing?
If I tell you I miss you,
Will u tell me you miss me too?
Or will you just roll over and sleep.

If I ask u…
Can you hold my hands?
So tight I can feel you gripping.
Can you feel my blood rushing?
And hear me aching?
Can you touch my chest?
And feel my heart beating.
Are you sure I am a nobody in your life?
Or I am just a friend you screw.
Is it me who is insensitive?
Or is it you who made me such?

Will u pray for me now that I need one?
Or will you rather ask me to drink my bottle up?
Will you protect me against lightning?
Or tease me a crybaby?
If I cry so hard that breathing is impossible,
Will you hug me and hush me ‘til I’m calm?
Or will you just let me cry and drink your beer up?

I’m hurt.
Because of what your actions mean to me.
I’m deeply wounded.
Because you made myself invisible 'round you.
I am silently crying.
Because I’m alone, I’m ashamed, I’m damaged, and I lose.
I need you to feel me
I need you to listen to me.
I need you here with me.
Not because we are drinking with peers.
I need you here with me
Because I want you to be a part of me.

SOULS GATHERED IN MORTALITY

This was the day of reconcilliation. The day where maturity speaks of growing up with them. I love these people not because they're part of me, but i love the fact that i have grown to be the person i am because they are there. Silent, yet in touched with me by heart. However stupid and crazy and emotional i get, i would never be hapless in the world, because these three women in my life will be here to listen, to ridicule, to love, to hate, to kill and revive me. A lot of drinking to do and cigarettes to puff, more rice, more chicken, more softdrinks, more arts, more prawns, crabs and porks. More friends to meet, more friends that will hurt us. More guys to meet, but a few who'll sweep us off our feet. More learnings, more failures. A welcome to success and farewell to discouragements. A life away from childishness and melodramas. A life we wanted to live together. Though there is this geographical distance between us, we still have the invisible thread that connects us.

These are the people worth all my tears and snobs.

And i am worth all the love and hate from them.

AGLIOPHOBIA

I fear your presence,
It sends chills down my spine.

I fear your stare,
Cause I know I couldn’t stand staring too.

I fear your touch,
Cause I might break my own bones.

I fear your kiss,
Cause I might give in to you.

I fear your voice,
As it commands me to speak.

I fear your embrace,
Cause I’ll break down and weep.

I fear to hold you,
Now that you’re near.

I dream of “us”
Though I am awake and panting.

I fear to sleep beside you,
Cause I might whisper my heart.

I dream of midnights
Where our hearts somehow collide.

I fear my thoughts would make me crazy
But, I love how you make my heart leap.

I fear my sadness will be forever,
And you’re still there silently causing me pain.

I fear to let you know my heartaches,
Bet you might drop me profusely bleeding.

What I fear most is when my love for you fades,
When you come to say you love me too.

BROKEN

what do i feel right now? empty. i would rather choose this feeling than being superbly happy and be haplessly broken afterwards. i am just human capable of loving yet somehow i have this kind of curse.

i never believed in love. i believe that two persons meet not cause of love but cause they are bound to leave marks on each others life. ephemeral bliss and eternal pain= LOVE. i despise lovers. i think they’re wannabe superstars. i love kissing and hugging, but i never wanna see it done by 2 persons claiming they’re inlove. i never believe in commitments, in marriage and in lifetime partnership. i think they ruin the cycle of change. i never believe there is one person who’s born for you, cause i think he is evil.

i always think the positive ways. i hated pessimists. now, can i say i hate myself? i laugh at hopelessness and melodramatics. now, should i laugh at myself? i am a laughing stock! now that i threw away my worth and pride. the attributes i spent my life sowing, now withered.
you see? i kept all of these inside. i was portraying the good things in life. the best things there is. i talk to people like i am a perfect example of problem-free individual.

that WAS BEFORE I MET HIM. now everything’s changed. i am broken, and my pieces are scattered. ;( i don’t know what has gotten into me. should i thank him for filling in the empty space in my life? or hate him for making me the feeblest creature alive?

WANDERER

I love wanderlust. The idea of freedom, independence, knowledge and fun seem to excite me all over. That had been my goal. To travel the world with or without someone to accompany me. I told myself that what else would I want in this world after making my mentors happy? Maybe I should let myself taste the fruit of my hardships. Dreams. Ambitions. Dreams. Ambitions. These two words are everything for me.
I said, I want to make a lot of peers. I want to wander there from here. Explore every possible pleasure there is with my crowd. To share my interests with. To hangout until dawn. To drink and smoke with. To laugh and cry with. To share the good and bad side of myself with. My friends have been categorized accordingly. From acquaintances to soul mates. I love it when I know how to deal with the scariest situation in my life. I love it when my friends run to me because I soothe their troubles. I love the idea that I am made an inspiration. I love it when my friends never forget me. It just grows bigger that it’s difficult to hug them all. I concluded how perfect my life is. Until the time I met someone I thought would only be a friend.
He was cool and we share a little the same interest. We jive perfectly. He’s my constant drinking buddy. His friends have been my friends. (Why not?? I am a very amiable person and my aura never fails to attract people. I am not proud; it’s just that I am embracing my gifts with people.) silently, I watch his every move. Silently, I adore his personality. I care when he’s super drunk, and I would rather drink his beer just to let him take his nap until he’s sober. This is my secret. Hey! I have my crushes, but I realized I’m feeling a little bizarre with him. Normally, I can never be shy, but when he’s around I am a little shy. Yes, a little shy. That’s why I want to be drinking whenever he’s around to make me feel a little braver.
Until, I was bravest to give my heart and soul to him.
Again, I kept it silent. I let it wander my mind and heart. I was trying to give myself even one good reason why I chose him, but the answer terrified me. I LOVE HIM. I don’t want to admit it nor would I have second thoughts admitting it. I shrugged it away thinking about the hormones. Soon, I told myself, this will be over. Hah! I was wrong. Very wrong, because each day seems to be sadder without him. Breathing is harder without him, and I am losing my sanity if I even try pushing him out of my mind.
But what am I to him? I do not know. There is nothing going on between us or if there is, it’s because we both wanted it. False! He wanted it and I wanted him. That’s the difference. You see, I am such a loser. I messed up with my life and I broke a pact. But fuck it! Maybe this is meant to teach me one good lesson. Maybe this is meant to make me pursue my dreams and ambitions. Maybe this is one good reason for me not to believe in love. I am so hurt right now. I am in pain, and I don’t know when or how this will end. I do not hope for anything better for us. Friends will always be just friends. I am so sorry for falling in love with you when I shouldn’t be.
This is my fate. This is my curse. Now, I am wandering around my little world… alone in melancholy.

LOST IN TRACK

I am always in a hurry. It's like someone or something is chasing me and I do not even know who or what it is. I always take things for granted and my decisions are never close to succeeding. I almost feel that my life is hanging. There is no consistency with the way I push things and that makes me sad every time. I am starting to think that there is something wrong with the way I maneuver my life. I am so distracted. I am so weak. I am a lowly soul and that makes me indifferent with things. My dreams are big and my ambitions are always flamboyant. Now, it seems I am near to drifting.
How could it be that I have this head full yet I always think I’m a failure? I do not want this kind of life I’m living with right now. I have been so independent and apart from the people who care about my life. My problems are my own, and though I am struggling hard, I can't seem to solve it. They said I’m smart, I said I am. But who would believe I am what I am when all I show to them is my rebel side? Am I really a rebel? I do not know. Maybe that is why I am so sad. Maybe that is why I can't seem to have the person I love. Maybe that is why I have a lot of grudges. Maybe that is why I lost concentration in my studies, in my writings, in my more productive activities. I fail to be the person I am supposed to be because I am seeing what my eyes can only see. I fail to do my tasks because I am so weak and easily tempted. I neglect my duties and responsibilities because I fail to assess my self. I am not myself anymore. I changed a lot and it’s not for the better. My emotions are overflowing and overwhelming me. Though how positive I am to think about the good things I can do, everything seem to mix up.
This past week, I am thinking how to start it all over again. I want to be the person I dream to be. The one daughter that my dad would be proud of. The one sister my siblings would look up to. The one person my friends would be happy for, and the one woman somebody would fall in love with.
I will be that person. I have to be. I am still young, and I still can drive my life back to its original route. Soon, I will feel the bliss I am longing for. There is no way I can never be what I am supposed to be.
My fate is to be happy.