INTRUDER

Another breaking, another aching. He could have been better, but for now he's the best. I see him now, or I'll see him never, what matters is that we see the line together. He could be, he should be or else I'll be the Frisbee. A momentary suspension, a lifetime to linger. He is here, though forever is an ideal. All there is, is one simple act: understanding, though it's very generic. This word's often taken for granted, yet I say, this word meant the mundane world. Where is he if I do not understand him? Where will I, if I chose to be misunderstood? He is right at my door, knocking and he will keep on knocking until he finally breaks in. When he does, I'll be just there, impatient,but loving.

I'll see you when I see you.

Of Blood and Tears

Why does the torturing won't stop? I see that bloody firmament and i couldn't pass by the meadow without my tears turned crimson. Oh, I hate the feeling of rejection because I know them too much. The most wicked torture I man-made myself. I allow these demons to eat me alive. I welcome the shadows of my past in my intense dreams. Would you, my loving world bring me justice? Or should I be the one seeking for it? It's always my downfall, and I don't think I'll ever learn the lesson. Or maybe I am addicted to the pain it gives me. I thought love is the morphine? Why then I still feel the wounds were never healed? The wounds keep on getting more abrasions. Will I wait for the numbness of my soul? Or should I just allow this to keep on burning 'till I'm used to it? I have been there. Now, i am again getting there. I know exactly how it feels, but I keep coming back. Why? Do I  have the feeblest heart? Do I deserve this? Or am I just cursed? Whatever the answers to these queries, I intend to be myself. It's the only defense I could come up with. I always have to take the risks even if it means being the bloodied lass, broken and alone in the end.

ARIA

You asked me to make this for you, and here it is.

Tonight's a distant lullaby

A humming that comes from nowhere

Midnight is screaming its silence

Like my dreams with you fiddling.

Tunes i made from sobbing

A delicate song playing

I see you softly laying

As i rush towards you, chanting.

I love creating a world with you
Of words we mouth and chew.
I love the melody you filled in my head,
The dancing of you and me.

I devour your endless whisper
Crushed the doubt that's forming,
Your voice will always be my ditty
Forever, it'll be embedded in my memory.

Tonight's a fantasy.

Of a love that's built by a song.

Listen to my heart warbling,

Make the moonlight our witness.

MOVING ON...

Just when I thought my emotions were dead, I found someone who could revive this. So this I hope. It may take longer time to heal the wounds from the past, yet I know I am ready to take another step. The guidance I needed is now on track. I do not need to be afraid. I do not need to hold back. I just have to keep pushing my luck, if this is the only way to become stronger if not the strongest person. I have forgiven "him" already, and I can say that I am happy with his current status. I am working on the burial of my indecent actions and my impulsive activities.

There is the right time for everything and now is the time.

This is a matter of my heart.

This is going to be a start of something wonderful.

I intend to keep this going on with us. Working on it....

PSYCHE

I always have these queries in my head, yet i do not even know how to put these into words. It's like it has been there for a long time and it's pushing its way out. The entry of these questions were quick and the exit will be quite challenging. I sometimes hate myself for acting tough, hence i cry about just anything. I could also cut myself for being too generous wherein I know that I might even get myself into trouble. I could even kill myself every time I wear my heart on my sleeve and all i could do is forgive and forget. 

That... i always get in trouble with. That... pushed me to be just me- plainly ambitious. That... I know will lead me to goodness, yet I'll always stay unknown. All these made me care-less. I'll live my life just the way I wanted it. No fuss, no nothing.

You... again

i couldn't think past the lullaby in my head. 

as i began soaring up high.

images of you...

i paused-

and i think twice.

i couldn't laugh without your guffaws haunting.

as i keep my head cool.

memories...

i stopped.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God! i keep playing our song.

Goodbye now, my brother

It's really hard to move on. Whatever it takes for those people who had gone through this kind of worst, i seek for their advices. Everything seem to be on hold.Everything seem to be dropping off and I am becoming weaker. It is, beyond words, harder. I could have died with my brother just to define the pain i feel.

Today is the 11th day since my brother died of massive bleeding in his esophagostomy that caused his cardiac arrest. He fought for an hour after his heart stopped beating and the doctors were all persistent in reviving him. He died November 08,2009 at 1:55am at West Visayas State University Medical Center's Surgical Intensive Care Unit where he stayed for 10 days. 3 days after he was admitted, he underwent an operation that lasted for nearly 10 hours. the surgery performed were esophagostomy, total gastrectomy, and J-tube placement. His doctor had informed us that he will be undergoing another surgery after that his esophagus will totally be healed. Yet, my brother wasn't able to wait for another surgery. He is now an angel.

It was like my death too. I do not even know how i am going to pass through this phase. I do not even intend to blog this, but i don't want to burden myself keeping this. I do want to be medically challenged again. I want to be strong for my family, for JR. I don't want to suppress the pain and i don't want not to cry because i know i am hurting. This is a simple preface for what could be a long piece for my brother. I know he may not be able to read this out loud, but i know that he is just around me while i am doing this. he may not be able to give comments on my works like he used to, yet i know that he will be proud of me when the time comes that i regain all my strength to this again. I know it's too early to have his life taken from us, but I know that this serves a purpose. An important lesson that we have to learn as a family. i may not even have a glimpse of what it is right now, but I know that it it only the best. It would be quite hypocrite of me to say i am OK every time i am asked by people around how i am coping. I just would want to answer them, " i have to be okey."

I have this fear of previewing my life with the fact that he won't be there anymore. I have this fear of being alone, and then there will be no more JR who will ask about me and check on me. I can not even listen to songs without him interrupting. I can not even sleep soundly without him constantly breaking in my room and pissing me off. Routinary activities which will make it hard for me to just let it go. I can not even look at his photos and videos without the guilt feeling of not being the best sister for him and an apology for the times i haven't spent with him when he needed it most. His voice will always linger in my ears.

I love you, Atoy.

I miss you.

Thank you for all the memories, love and the hugs and kisses.

Sorry for the shortcomings and for not being the best.

Rest now, my lil brother. We will be together again in time.

Jay-R Filosofo

Born: December 12, 1991

Died: November 08,2009

CAMARADERIE

friends or foes, I come to you
to quench this thirst that seldom subdues,
my arms extend for you to grasp
let alone my sleeve be on tuck.

Friends I share with you my life
the story told and even the banned
I’ll save your acts and respect your rights.
Just be the friend I wished since young.

Though time may change us, yet still I am
the kind of friend you always have
I maybe new, but my traits are old
I laugh the loudest though your jokes are off.

Thick and thin; flesh and blood
I’ll remain true, because that’s I am
if forever’s missing, then always is here.
Chums are gems, kept safe in a box.

Foes I never intend to have
forgiveness is supreme and love is kind.
foe I may to you, but never I am
I am your kin in God’s abode.

HEALTH BUFF

Ran a mile,
Walked a meter.
Sweat I tasted,
Sweetened through years.

Mind’s obese,
Anorexic heart.
Body exhaustion,
Thoughts on track.

Blessed life,
Cursed love;
Empty feeling,
Emotions fulfilled.

Love that’s lost,
I was found.
Bliss is hanging,
Played my part.

MEMOIRS

Love alone,
Live with throngs.
Loved once,
Hurt twice.

Forgive him,
Forget none.
Memories haunt,
He shan’t.

Smile more,
Frown never.
He’s my ghost.
Past is past.

ABDUCTED

Forever held captive,
In this prison cell, I was tormented.
Handcuffed with guilty passion,
Tortured by wicked fate.

Ankles chained tightly,
Knees soaked in crimson blood;
Seemingly lifeless;
Eyes ablaze with pain and suffering.

Bitter tears falling;
Bleeding, I laid on filth.
Prayers unanswered;
I’m alive, yet I’m dead.

Silence’s screaming,
Battling the demons;
Always is forever;
My life– my mortal hell.

Cigarettes

"i swore in front of that damn chicken that i'll quit smoking!"

what chicken was i talking about? the lechon manok LC and i ate after i was hospitalized because i may have a heart disease. oh crap! now, i'm really sick and the fun part is, nobody in my family seem to care! i don't need that pity sigh because i'm kind of used to it. no family stuffs to talk about here. i am going to blog about smoking.

a week and counting, i never toked a single cigar and i think i don't miss puffing one. easy breathing and smoke-free scent (i kind of love how i can smell my body butter and cologne). i never missed my friends and their noises and all that party stuffs i've been getting myself lately. i miss my old self, the "me" right now. i miss reading my books and doing this kind of stuffs:writing, blogging, sleeping, talking.. to myself. the old habits. the fun i was having alone minus the cigarettes. although i swore in front of my favorite dish never to smoke again, i don't trust myself to forever stick to that promise. promises are meant to be broken, goes the cliche. i realized after 3 days of being imprisoned in my own house, that there were reasons why i smoke. i always thought that smoking brings nothing but difficulty of breathing, bad breath, ashtray-like-scent, illnesses, but now came up with some reasons that could justify a guilty smoker. i don't mean to imply that these may be everybody's reason why they smoke, but i know somehow, they feel this.

1. the thinking moment when you smoke... alone.
- i always love how it makes me think deeper and how i over analyze things when i have a cigarette on hand. along with the smoke i blow, there are thoughts formed and it sometimes make me fall to the wonders of wandering with my thoughts.





2. the bitter taste of a cigar reminds me of the bitter things in life and how good it feels after you finish 1 stick.
- smoking is like living, the more you puff, the more difficult it is to breathe and the more bitter the taste becomes. yet, after smoking, you know you have to go on with what it is you left undone. just like life, no matter how many times you try to give something a break, you will always find a way to come back and finish what you have started.

3. relieving tension?
- i always say that smoking never relieves tension, hence it adds palpitations and elevates our blood pressure. so why have this reason now? actually, i felt relieved after i smoked the last time i was tensed. that was a week ago. no, not tensed, i was deeply anxious that i am again into some kind of emotions that would cut my life into pieces again. there was the thinking while smoking, and there was tension released after the hard exhale i made. i must admit, it made me feel better though.

4. drinking partner
- i am sober and there is no need for me to keep on hitting the bar for more spirits. i have my spirit cleansed, so far. there is the ads that says, "drink moderately". and so my slogan says, "smoke moderately". it's always nice to drink when you have your other hand occupied with cigarettes. i know everyone wouldn't agree to that.

there, i have my 4 reasons why i'll never quit smoking. i don't think that i am a guilty smoker who's convincing you that there is pleasure in smoking. the choice is still yours.

Tonight, My Knight

tonight, let alone be wandering.
through dimensions beyond mortality.
through uncertainty and apparitions.
just be my knight,tonight.

i hold my heart tonight,
another fearful move, i might.
i hold it up high, with the moon and stars in fight.
just be mine alone, tonight.

a kiss withered,
bargained embrace.
tonight may be the night,
tears will shed in light.

standing alone amidst the hue
let my lucid be the torch
this night, i offer myself,
to you, alone, tonight.

trembling, scared, my innocence partakes
clothed me with your nakedness
i closed my eyes and you were there.
our souls will meet in heaven, tonight.

let my eyes remain shut
let there be no light that cuts,
is this your dream or mine?
i'm falling deep in oblivion, tonight.

mind's meddling,
emotions rushing.
cold, i hug myself tonight.
bleeding, broken and nowhere to find.

hear me once, my heart speaks.
gnawing in silence.
im beaten, reality's been stabbing.
my slumbers will be our loving abode, tonight.

love, men, me

what is there to offer me now? i have my life back on track and still there is no assurance that it'll be better as planned. i don't know how to manage another failure, perhaps that i am at this point of time in my clueless state where there are no people who will extend their hands for me to grab anytime i'm rolling down in a bottomless pit. i sound very childlike, because i am still a child. no matter how hard i try to be older, my emotions will never lie. i am a child and still i need to be taken cared of. by whom? i knew all the people who genuinely esteem me, love me and there are those people i do not know why they are so keen and attached to me. i could say they do not think of me highly, yet i know they do not think of me lowly. the purpose. it led to my confusion. it led to my query mind. it led me to deal with the demons of my past. i still don't know my place, yet i know what to feel and where to feel that kind of feeling. all i have are assumptions, self consuming criticisms. these deliberately alternate, just as the weather constantly changes. i still feel like a drifter, where i always have this feeling of never connecting to my present, much, of my future. it all boils down to one conclusion: i am never that matured enough to deal with things, and i cannot have lives whirling on my palms like i wanted to. i don't have a grip on things, i don't have the power to control the sinister of life. all i have are my ideas, my pen, my paper, my thoughts, my emotions, my tears and my voice. these are but nature's gift. all i could do is make use of these in my most special abilities.


what thoughts i scribbled into words? what's the point of writing this? i have longer time spent doing nothing. yet nothing seems to be something. something to dwell when you are at your peak. something to acknowledge when you are at your least. i just want to share with you the goodness of life. a little story of my life. an overview of love. my beliefs on things that almost hanging. and the people i mingled with. welcome to my new life. the renewal of a lost soul.

i started thinking about men when i became aware of my attributes. i have this thought that i could get the guy i wanted. it's not over confidence, it's awareness. when i was in high school, the guys i attract were fools. i wasn't a fool myself. then i had one question: why do i attract guys that aren't my type? i had this huge crush on my classmate. he was my constant partner and we were often teased. it left a mark on my young heart that he was the first guy who broke my heart. as young as i was few years back, i remembered telling myself that "i'll find man who loves like a father and never a husband." the idea i had after the gloomiest days of my once-perfect-family-life. i realized that day when my mother went away, life is a matter of how you understand it and love has no broader meaning. everything was empty. everything went black. i was raging and i can still feel how intense my anger was that time. love then i defined to be nothing but bullshits. love is blind that it doesn't see the person you fell in love with. love is all but miseries and backstabbing pain. why fall in love? i promised myself that i'll never fall in love with someone less than the qualities i have in mind. i intend to make it higher so no man will ever meet it. i despise marriage for the fact that no married man will ever stay faithful to their wives. men are born polygamous. i don't understand why they seem to be so thirsty and that thirst can never be quenched with love from their wife or their life-long partner. i want to know why, but men have their irreversible nature. women just have to deal with it. if women can't, then they're bunch of losers. where is fairness?

i had this belief kept in silence longer until now. i realized that i only attract loser guys because i imposed a loser me. i couldn't defy that the longer i stay in this universe, the more loser i become. i suddenly lost control of my mind, of my body, of my life in general. i continue living my loser's life. fool of me to keep believing there will come one guy who will disregard the loser me i imposed and will dig deeper and find out i was never a fool at all. but all the fools praised me because i let myself believe that. i met a lot of guys, i dealt with them, i had some of them kissed me but that was just it. i also had some guys caught my attention for just a while, but then i was easily turned off. i had my fair share of rejections and insecurities, but never did i allowed these to control my life. i must admit it almost had me choked, but i guess i'll still live longer. then i had my new definition of love: love will come when you least expect it. i wasn't desperate to finding my true love, i was desperate to finding how am i going to love a person, a man perhaps. the emptiness sometimes makes me feel dizzy. sometimes it let me wander to a deserted place. sometimes it just leaves me feeling breathless and all less. my teenage angst then just keep getting worst. i had few man who touched my life in a way they deserve my gratitude. it was real love they shared with me, only that my heart was locked for unknown reasons. i sure did not play a game, but never was i real then. my apologies, you know who you are.

recently, i studied myself in the mirror. i looked at myself really closely and saw how i aged in my eyes. i am only 22 summers and all i can see is an old soul. i have a pair of sad eyes. the depth of it, melancholy rooted from her childhood. the independence she claimed earlier had both done her good and bad. i am a woman of complications. no reasons why i would shove the fact that at this point of time, i attract men who are complicated. last year was a whipping year. it was both surreal and feisty. i had my emotions bloomed into love with someone i never thought would be the sole person to make me feel both whole and wrecked.he was the reason of all the changes i have had and the only person who buried me alive. i gave in to him without any sane reasons but love. that was superfluous, and i was never in my right mind to think. i had my brain cells eaten by my overflowing emotions. at the end of it, i was left naked and shivering and no one to carry me and clothed me decently. i was left broken and abandoned. it was the turning point of my life. love then for me was pain and sufferings. i moved forward, trying to live each day as normally as i could. pushing away the memories that kept on haunting me. i kept myself busy, indulging too much on what i am capable of doing. i was better, i was healing and now he is back again. back in my sight and im fighting again. i know within myself that i am over him, but then there was no closure. i already had forgiven him and it would be too much to be his friend again. the focus here is not really about him, but men i attract recently. he was a part of my life and he was the best example of how i allow myself to be in a complicated situation. how i managed myself out from that drowning situation where help was blurry. i guess it's hard for me to wish for a certain person because i usually get what i wanted. i get them along with a handful consequences i have to deal with or else i'll end up totally broken. i am not fond of flirting, i don't overdo my actions. i am just my plain self and i cannot explain how possible that is that i get the man i wanted. in a much distorted sense, i get them but i can't really have them. i can have them right beside me but that will only be ephemeral. i can have their eyes locked on me, appreciate me, but that will just be it. some will fall in love with me, but should i be only the second best? i can never have them stay in my life and i could never allow them to try to get to know me because of the fact that i am aware of my inner attributes and i know it will bring forth more complications. i aint selfish, but don't i deserve a hassle free life? my recent definition of love? i borrowed from William Burroughs " Love is a haunting melody that I have never mastered, and I fear I never will." i don't expect my life to be as colorful as how love is described in books by great poets and lovers. i can only love love because i am a person capable of loving. i love love because i have people who, despite everything have managed to still believe in me and has thought highly of me and will love me unconditionally. the only failure i have in love is the love intended for opposite sex. the worldly definition of love, the union of body and soul. i would say i have satisfied myself with that and i was happy and that will never change. i won't be needing a certain male in my life now to feel the essence of love. i only need men to warm me under my Egyptian cotton sheets. that is soon to happen.