love, men, me

what is there to offer me now? i have my life back on track and still there is no assurance that it'll be better as planned. i don't know how to manage another failure, perhaps that i am at this point of time in my clueless state where there are no people who will extend their hands for me to grab anytime i'm rolling down in a bottomless pit. i sound very childlike, because i am still a child. no matter how hard i try to be older, my emotions will never lie. i am a child and still i need to be taken cared of. by whom? i knew all the people who genuinely esteem me, love me and there are those people i do not know why they are so keen and attached to me. i could say they do not think of me highly, yet i know they do not think of me lowly. the purpose. it led to my confusion. it led to my query mind. it led me to deal with the demons of my past. i still don't know my place, yet i know what to feel and where to feel that kind of feeling. all i have are assumptions, self consuming criticisms. these deliberately alternate, just as the weather constantly changes. i still feel like a drifter, where i always have this feeling of never connecting to my present, much, of my future. it all boils down to one conclusion: i am never that matured enough to deal with things, and i cannot have lives whirling on my palms like i wanted to. i don't have a grip on things, i don't have the power to control the sinister of life. all i have are my ideas, my pen, my paper, my thoughts, my emotions, my tears and my voice. these are but nature's gift. all i could do is make use of these in my most special abilities.


what thoughts i scribbled into words? what's the point of writing this? i have longer time spent doing nothing. yet nothing seems to be something. something to dwell when you are at your peak. something to acknowledge when you are at your least. i just want to share with you the goodness of life. a little story of my life. an overview of love. my beliefs on things that almost hanging. and the people i mingled with. welcome to my new life. the renewal of a lost soul.

i started thinking about men when i became aware of my attributes. i have this thought that i could get the guy i wanted. it's not over confidence, it's awareness. when i was in high school, the guys i attract were fools. i wasn't a fool myself. then i had one question: why do i attract guys that aren't my type? i had this huge crush on my classmate. he was my constant partner and we were often teased. it left a mark on my young heart that he was the first guy who broke my heart. as young as i was few years back, i remembered telling myself that "i'll find man who loves like a father and never a husband." the idea i had after the gloomiest days of my once-perfect-family-life. i realized that day when my mother went away, life is a matter of how you understand it and love has no broader meaning. everything was empty. everything went black. i was raging and i can still feel how intense my anger was that time. love then i defined to be nothing but bullshits. love is blind that it doesn't see the person you fell in love with. love is all but miseries and backstabbing pain. why fall in love? i promised myself that i'll never fall in love with someone less than the qualities i have in mind. i intend to make it higher so no man will ever meet it. i despise marriage for the fact that no married man will ever stay faithful to their wives. men are born polygamous. i don't understand why they seem to be so thirsty and that thirst can never be quenched with love from their wife or their life-long partner. i want to know why, but men have their irreversible nature. women just have to deal with it. if women can't, then they're bunch of losers. where is fairness?

i had this belief kept in silence longer until now. i realized that i only attract loser guys because i imposed a loser me. i couldn't defy that the longer i stay in this universe, the more loser i become. i suddenly lost control of my mind, of my body, of my life in general. i continue living my loser's life. fool of me to keep believing there will come one guy who will disregard the loser me i imposed and will dig deeper and find out i was never a fool at all. but all the fools praised me because i let myself believe that. i met a lot of guys, i dealt with them, i had some of them kissed me but that was just it. i also had some guys caught my attention for just a while, but then i was easily turned off. i had my fair share of rejections and insecurities, but never did i allowed these to control my life. i must admit it almost had me choked, but i guess i'll still live longer. then i had my new definition of love: love will come when you least expect it. i wasn't desperate to finding my true love, i was desperate to finding how am i going to love a person, a man perhaps. the emptiness sometimes makes me feel dizzy. sometimes it let me wander to a deserted place. sometimes it just leaves me feeling breathless and all less. my teenage angst then just keep getting worst. i had few man who touched my life in a way they deserve my gratitude. it was real love they shared with me, only that my heart was locked for unknown reasons. i sure did not play a game, but never was i real then. my apologies, you know who you are.

recently, i studied myself in the mirror. i looked at myself really closely and saw how i aged in my eyes. i am only 22 summers and all i can see is an old soul. i have a pair of sad eyes. the depth of it, melancholy rooted from her childhood. the independence she claimed earlier had both done her good and bad. i am a woman of complications. no reasons why i would shove the fact that at this point of time, i attract men who are complicated. last year was a whipping year. it was both surreal and feisty. i had my emotions bloomed into love with someone i never thought would be the sole person to make me feel both whole and wrecked.he was the reason of all the changes i have had and the only person who buried me alive. i gave in to him without any sane reasons but love. that was superfluous, and i was never in my right mind to think. i had my brain cells eaten by my overflowing emotions. at the end of it, i was left naked and shivering and no one to carry me and clothed me decently. i was left broken and abandoned. it was the turning point of my life. love then for me was pain and sufferings. i moved forward, trying to live each day as normally as i could. pushing away the memories that kept on haunting me. i kept myself busy, indulging too much on what i am capable of doing. i was better, i was healing and now he is back again. back in my sight and im fighting again. i know within myself that i am over him, but then there was no closure. i already had forgiven him and it would be too much to be his friend again. the focus here is not really about him, but men i attract recently. he was a part of my life and he was the best example of how i allow myself to be in a complicated situation. how i managed myself out from that drowning situation where help was blurry. i guess it's hard for me to wish for a certain person because i usually get what i wanted. i get them along with a handful consequences i have to deal with or else i'll end up totally broken. i am not fond of flirting, i don't overdo my actions. i am just my plain self and i cannot explain how possible that is that i get the man i wanted. in a much distorted sense, i get them but i can't really have them. i can have them right beside me but that will only be ephemeral. i can have their eyes locked on me, appreciate me, but that will just be it. some will fall in love with me, but should i be only the second best? i can never have them stay in my life and i could never allow them to try to get to know me because of the fact that i am aware of my inner attributes and i know it will bring forth more complications. i aint selfish, but don't i deserve a hassle free life? my recent definition of love? i borrowed from William Burroughs " Love is a haunting melody that I have never mastered, and I fear I never will." i don't expect my life to be as colorful as how love is described in books by great poets and lovers. i can only love love because i am a person capable of loving. i love love because i have people who, despite everything have managed to still believe in me and has thought highly of me and will love me unconditionally. the only failure i have in love is the love intended for opposite sex. the worldly definition of love, the union of body and soul. i would say i have satisfied myself with that and i was happy and that will never change. i won't be needing a certain male in my life now to feel the essence of love. i only need men to warm me under my Egyptian cotton sheets. that is soon to happen.