what do i feel right now? empty. i would rather choose this feeling than being superbly happy and be haplessly broken afterwards. i am just human capable of loving yet somehow i have this kind of curse.
i never believed in love. i believe that two persons meet not cause of love but cause they are bound to leave marks on each others life. ephemeral bliss and eternal pain= LOVE. i despise lovers. i think they’re wannabe superstars. i love kissing and hugging, but i never wanna see it done by 2 persons claiming they’re inlove. i never believe in commitments, in marriage and in lifetime partnership. i think they ruin the cycle of change. i never believe there is one person who’s born for you, cause i think he is evil.
i always think the positive ways. i hated pessimists. now, can i say i hate myself? i laugh at hopelessness and melodramatics. now, should i laugh at myself? i am a laughing stock! now that i threw away my worth and pride. the attributes i spent my life sowing, now withered.
you see? i kept all of these inside. i was portraying the good things in life. the best things there is. i talk to people like i am a perfect example of problem-free individual.
that WAS BEFORE I MET HIM. now everything’s changed. i am broken, and my pieces are scattered. ;( i don’t know what has gotten into me. should i thank him for filling in the empty space in my life? or hate him for making me the feeblest creature alive?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
WANDERER
I love wanderlust. The idea of freedom, independence, knowledge and fun seem to excite me all over. That had been my goal. To travel the world with or without someone to accompany me. I told myself that what else would I want in this world after making my mentors happy? Maybe I should let myself taste the fruit of my hardships. Dreams. Ambitions. Dreams. Ambitions. These two words are everything for me.
I said, I want to make a lot of peers. I want to wander there from here. Explore every possible pleasure there is with my crowd. To share my interests with. To hangout until dawn. To drink and smoke with. To laugh and cry with. To share the good and bad side of myself with. My friends have been categorized accordingly. From acquaintances to soul mates. I love it when I know how to deal with the scariest situation in my life. I love it when my friends run to me because I soothe their troubles. I love the idea that I am made an inspiration. I love it when my friends never forget me. It just grows bigger that it’s difficult to hug them all. I concluded how perfect my life is. Until the time I met someone I thought would only be a friend.
He was cool and we share a little the same interest. We jive perfectly. He’s my constant drinking buddy. His friends have been my friends. (Why not?? I am a very amiable person and my aura never fails to attract people. I am not proud; it’s just that I am embracing my gifts with people.) silently, I watch his every move. Silently, I adore his personality. I care when he’s super drunk, and I would rather drink his beer just to let him take his nap until he’s sober. This is my secret. Hey! I have my crushes, but I realized I’m feeling a little bizarre with him. Normally, I can never be shy, but when he’s around I am a little shy. Yes, a little shy. That’s why I want to be drinking whenever he’s around to make me feel a little braver.
Until, I was bravest to give my heart and soul to him.
Again, I kept it silent. I let it wander my mind and heart. I was trying to give myself even one good reason why I chose him, but the answer terrified me. I LOVE HIM. I don’t want to admit it nor would I have second thoughts admitting it. I shrugged it away thinking about the hormones. Soon, I told myself, this will be over. Hah! I was wrong. Very wrong, because each day seems to be sadder without him. Breathing is harder without him, and I am losing my sanity if I even try pushing him out of my mind.
But what am I to him? I do not know. There is nothing going on between us or if there is, it’s because we both wanted it. False! He wanted it and I wanted him. That’s the difference. You see, I am such a loser. I messed up with my life and I broke a pact. But fuck it! Maybe this is meant to teach me one good lesson. Maybe this is meant to make me pursue my dreams and ambitions. Maybe this is one good reason for me not to believe in love. I am so hurt right now. I am in pain, and I don’t know when or how this will end. I do not hope for anything better for us. Friends will always be just friends. I am so sorry for falling in love with you when I shouldn’t be.
This is my fate. This is my curse. Now, I am wandering around my little world… alone in melancholy.
I said, I want to make a lot of peers. I want to wander there from here. Explore every possible pleasure there is with my crowd. To share my interests with. To hangout until dawn. To drink and smoke with. To laugh and cry with. To share the good and bad side of myself with. My friends have been categorized accordingly. From acquaintances to soul mates. I love it when I know how to deal with the scariest situation in my life. I love it when my friends run to me because I soothe their troubles. I love the idea that I am made an inspiration. I love it when my friends never forget me. It just grows bigger that it’s difficult to hug them all. I concluded how perfect my life is. Until the time I met someone I thought would only be a friend.
He was cool and we share a little the same interest. We jive perfectly. He’s my constant drinking buddy. His friends have been my friends. (Why not?? I am a very amiable person and my aura never fails to attract people. I am not proud; it’s just that I am embracing my gifts with people.) silently, I watch his every move. Silently, I adore his personality. I care when he’s super drunk, and I would rather drink his beer just to let him take his nap until he’s sober. This is my secret. Hey! I have my crushes, but I realized I’m feeling a little bizarre with him. Normally, I can never be shy, but when he’s around I am a little shy. Yes, a little shy. That’s why I want to be drinking whenever he’s around to make me feel a little braver.
Until, I was bravest to give my heart and soul to him.
Again, I kept it silent. I let it wander my mind and heart. I was trying to give myself even one good reason why I chose him, but the answer terrified me. I LOVE HIM. I don’t want to admit it nor would I have second thoughts admitting it. I shrugged it away thinking about the hormones. Soon, I told myself, this will be over. Hah! I was wrong. Very wrong, because each day seems to be sadder without him. Breathing is harder without him, and I am losing my sanity if I even try pushing him out of my mind.
But what am I to him? I do not know. There is nothing going on between us or if there is, it’s because we both wanted it. False! He wanted it and I wanted him. That’s the difference. You see, I am such a loser. I messed up with my life and I broke a pact. But fuck it! Maybe this is meant to teach me one good lesson. Maybe this is meant to make me pursue my dreams and ambitions. Maybe this is one good reason for me not to believe in love. I am so hurt right now. I am in pain, and I don’t know when or how this will end. I do not hope for anything better for us. Friends will always be just friends. I am so sorry for falling in love with you when I shouldn’t be.
This is my fate. This is my curse. Now, I am wandering around my little world… alone in melancholy.
LOST IN TRACK
I am always in a hurry. It's like someone or something is chasing me and I do not even know who or what it is. I always take things for granted and my decisions are never close to succeeding. I almost feel that my life is hanging. There is no consistency with the way I push things and that makes me sad every time. I am starting to think that there is something wrong with the way I maneuver my life. I am so distracted. I am so weak. I am a lowly soul and that makes me indifferent with things. My dreams are big and my ambitions are always flamboyant. Now, it seems I am near to drifting.
How could it be that I have this head full yet I always think I’m a failure? I do not want this kind of life I’m living with right now. I have been so independent and apart from the people who care about my life. My problems are my own, and though I am struggling hard, I can't seem to solve it. They said I’m smart, I said I am. But who would believe I am what I am when all I show to them is my rebel side? Am I really a rebel? I do not know. Maybe that is why I am so sad. Maybe that is why I can't seem to have the person I love. Maybe that is why I have a lot of grudges. Maybe that is why I lost concentration in my studies, in my writings, in my more productive activities. I fail to be the person I am supposed to be because I am seeing what my eyes can only see. I fail to do my tasks because I am so weak and easily tempted. I neglect my duties and responsibilities because I fail to assess my self. I am not myself anymore. I changed a lot and it’s not for the better. My emotions are overflowing and overwhelming me. Though how positive I am to think about the good things I can do, everything seem to mix up.
This past week, I am thinking how to start it all over again. I want to be the person I dream to be. The one daughter that my dad would be proud of. The one sister my siblings would look up to. The one person my friends would be happy for, and the one woman somebody would fall in love with.
I will be that person. I have to be. I am still young, and I still can drive my life back to its original route. Soon, I will feel the bliss I am longing for. There is no way I can never be what I am supposed to be.
My fate is to be happy.
How could it be that I have this head full yet I always think I’m a failure? I do not want this kind of life I’m living with right now. I have been so independent and apart from the people who care about my life. My problems are my own, and though I am struggling hard, I can't seem to solve it. They said I’m smart, I said I am. But who would believe I am what I am when all I show to them is my rebel side? Am I really a rebel? I do not know. Maybe that is why I am so sad. Maybe that is why I can't seem to have the person I love. Maybe that is why I have a lot of grudges. Maybe that is why I lost concentration in my studies, in my writings, in my more productive activities. I fail to be the person I am supposed to be because I am seeing what my eyes can only see. I fail to do my tasks because I am so weak and easily tempted. I neglect my duties and responsibilities because I fail to assess my self. I am not myself anymore. I changed a lot and it’s not for the better. My emotions are overflowing and overwhelming me. Though how positive I am to think about the good things I can do, everything seem to mix up.
This past week, I am thinking how to start it all over again. I want to be the person I dream to be. The one daughter that my dad would be proud of. The one sister my siblings would look up to. The one person my friends would be happy for, and the one woman somebody would fall in love with.
I will be that person. I have to be. I am still young, and I still can drive my life back to its original route. Soon, I will feel the bliss I am longing for. There is no way I can never be what I am supposed to be.
My fate is to be happy.
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