It's really hard to move on. Whatever it takes for those people who had gone through this kind of worst, i seek for their advices. Everything seem to be on hold.Everything seem to be dropping off and I am becoming weaker. It is, beyond words, harder. I could have died with my brother just to define the pain i feel.
Today is the 11th day since my brother died of massive bleeding in his esophagostomy that caused his cardiac arrest. He fought for an hour after his heart stopped beating and the doctors were all persistent in reviving him. He died November 08,2009 at 1:55am at West Visayas State University Medical Center's Surgical Intensive Care Unit where he stayed for 10 days. 3 days after he was admitted, he underwent an operation that lasted for nearly 10 hours. the surgery performed were esophagostomy, total gastrectomy, and J-tube placement. His doctor had informed us that he will be undergoing another surgery after that his esophagus will totally be healed. Yet, my brother wasn't able to wait for another surgery. He is now an angel.
It was like my death too. I do not even know how i am going to pass through this phase. I do not even intend to blog this, but i don't want to burden myself keeping this. I do want to be medically challenged again. I want to be strong for my family, for JR. I don't want to suppress the pain and i don't want not to cry because i know i am hurting. This is a simple preface for what could be a long piece for my brother. I know he may not be able to read this out loud, but i know that he is just around me while i am doing this. he may not be able to give comments on my works like he used to, yet i know that he will be proud of me when the time comes that i regain all my strength to this again. I know it's too early to have his life taken from us, but I know that this serves a purpose. An important lesson that we have to learn as a family. i may not even have a glimpse of what it is right now, but I know that it it only the best. It would be quite hypocrite of me to say i am OK every time i am asked by people around how i am coping. I just would want to answer them, " i have to be okey."
I have this fear of previewing my life with the fact that he won't be there anymore. I have this fear of being alone, and then there will be no more JR who will ask about me and check on me. I can not even listen to songs without him interrupting. I can not even sleep soundly without him constantly breaking in my room and pissing me off. Routinary activities which will make it hard for me to just let it go. I can not even look at his photos and videos without the guilt feeling of not being the best sister for him and an apology for the times i haven't spent with him when he needed it most. His voice will always linger in my ears.
I love you, Atoy.
I miss you.
Thank you for all the memories, love and the hugs and kisses.
Sorry for the shortcomings and for not being the best.
Rest now, my lil brother. We will be together again in time.
Jay-R Filosofo
Born: December 12, 1991
Died: November 08,2009
