WANDERER

I love wanderlust. The idea of freedom, independence, knowledge and fun seem to excite me all over. That had been my goal. To travel the world with or without someone to accompany me. I told myself that what else would I want in this world after making my mentors happy? Maybe I should let myself taste the fruit of my hardships. Dreams. Ambitions. Dreams. Ambitions. These two words are everything for me.
I said, I want to make a lot of peers. I want to wander there from here. Explore every possible pleasure there is with my crowd. To share my interests with. To hangout until dawn. To drink and smoke with. To laugh and cry with. To share the good and bad side of myself with. My friends have been categorized accordingly. From acquaintances to soul mates. I love it when I know how to deal with the scariest situation in my life. I love it when my friends run to me because I soothe their troubles. I love the idea that I am made an inspiration. I love it when my friends never forget me. It just grows bigger that it’s difficult to hug them all. I concluded how perfect my life is. Until the time I met someone I thought would only be a friend.
He was cool and we share a little the same interest. We jive perfectly. He’s my constant drinking buddy. His friends have been my friends. (Why not?? I am a very amiable person and my aura never fails to attract people. I am not proud; it’s just that I am embracing my gifts with people.) silently, I watch his every move. Silently, I adore his personality. I care when he’s super drunk, and I would rather drink his beer just to let him take his nap until he’s sober. This is my secret. Hey! I have my crushes, but I realized I’m feeling a little bizarre with him. Normally, I can never be shy, but when he’s around I am a little shy. Yes, a little shy. That’s why I want to be drinking whenever he’s around to make me feel a little braver.
Until, I was bravest to give my heart and soul to him.
Again, I kept it silent. I let it wander my mind and heart. I was trying to give myself even one good reason why I chose him, but the answer terrified me. I LOVE HIM. I don’t want to admit it nor would I have second thoughts admitting it. I shrugged it away thinking about the hormones. Soon, I told myself, this will be over. Hah! I was wrong. Very wrong, because each day seems to be sadder without him. Breathing is harder without him, and I am losing my sanity if I even try pushing him out of my mind.
But what am I to him? I do not know. There is nothing going on between us or if there is, it’s because we both wanted it. False! He wanted it and I wanted him. That’s the difference. You see, I am such a loser. I messed up with my life and I broke a pact. But fuck it! Maybe this is meant to teach me one good lesson. Maybe this is meant to make me pursue my dreams and ambitions. Maybe this is one good reason for me not to believe in love. I am so hurt right now. I am in pain, and I don’t know when or how this will end. I do not hope for anything better for us. Friends will always be just friends. I am so sorry for falling in love with you when I shouldn’t be.
This is my fate. This is my curse. Now, I am wandering around my little world… alone in melancholy.