Goodbye now, my brother

It's really hard to move on. Whatever it takes for those people who had gone through this kind of worst, i seek for their advices. Everything seem to be on hold.Everything seem to be dropping off and I am becoming weaker. It is, beyond words, harder. I could have died with my brother just to define the pain i feel.

Today is the 11th day since my brother died of massive bleeding in his esophagostomy that caused his cardiac arrest. He fought for an hour after his heart stopped beating and the doctors were all persistent in reviving him. He died November 08,2009 at 1:55am at West Visayas State University Medical Center's Surgical Intensive Care Unit where he stayed for 10 days. 3 days after he was admitted, he underwent an operation that lasted for nearly 10 hours. the surgery performed were esophagostomy, total gastrectomy, and J-tube placement. His doctor had informed us that he will be undergoing another surgery after that his esophagus will totally be healed. Yet, my brother wasn't able to wait for another surgery. He is now an angel.

It was like my death too. I do not even know how i am going to pass through this phase. I do not even intend to blog this, but i don't want to burden myself keeping this. I do want to be medically challenged again. I want to be strong for my family, for JR. I don't want to suppress the pain and i don't want not to cry because i know i am hurting. This is a simple preface for what could be a long piece for my brother. I know he may not be able to read this out loud, but i know that he is just around me while i am doing this. he may not be able to give comments on my works like he used to, yet i know that he will be proud of me when the time comes that i regain all my strength to this again. I know it's too early to have his life taken from us, but I know that this serves a purpose. An important lesson that we have to learn as a family. i may not even have a glimpse of what it is right now, but I know that it it only the best. It would be quite hypocrite of me to say i am OK every time i am asked by people around how i am coping. I just would want to answer them, " i have to be okey."

I have this fear of previewing my life with the fact that he won't be there anymore. I have this fear of being alone, and then there will be no more JR who will ask about me and check on me. I can not even listen to songs without him interrupting. I can not even sleep soundly without him constantly breaking in my room and pissing me off. Routinary activities which will make it hard for me to just let it go. I can not even look at his photos and videos without the guilt feeling of not being the best sister for him and an apology for the times i haven't spent with him when he needed it most. His voice will always linger in my ears.

I love you, Atoy.

I miss you.

Thank you for all the memories, love and the hugs and kisses.

Sorry for the shortcomings and for not being the best.

Rest now, my lil brother. We will be together again in time.

Jay-R Filosofo

Born: December 12, 1991

Died: November 08,2009

CAMARADERIE

friends or foes, I come to you
to quench this thirst that seldom subdues,
my arms extend for you to grasp
let alone my sleeve be on tuck.

Friends I share with you my life
the story told and even the banned
I’ll save your acts and respect your rights.
Just be the friend I wished since young.

Though time may change us, yet still I am
the kind of friend you always have
I maybe new, but my traits are old
I laugh the loudest though your jokes are off.

Thick and thin; flesh and blood
I’ll remain true, because that’s I am
if forever’s missing, then always is here.
Chums are gems, kept safe in a box.

Foes I never intend to have
forgiveness is supreme and love is kind.
foe I may to you, but never I am
I am your kin in God’s abode.

HEALTH BUFF

Ran a mile,
Walked a meter.
Sweat I tasted,
Sweetened through years.

Mind’s obese,
Anorexic heart.
Body exhaustion,
Thoughts on track.

Blessed life,
Cursed love;
Empty feeling,
Emotions fulfilled.

Love that’s lost,
I was found.
Bliss is hanging,
Played my part.

MEMOIRS

Love alone,
Live with throngs.
Loved once,
Hurt twice.

Forgive him,
Forget none.
Memories haunt,
He shan’t.

Smile more,
Frown never.
He’s my ghost.
Past is past.

ABDUCTED

Forever held captive,
In this prison cell, I was tormented.
Handcuffed with guilty passion,
Tortured by wicked fate.

Ankles chained tightly,
Knees soaked in crimson blood;
Seemingly lifeless;
Eyes ablaze with pain and suffering.

Bitter tears falling;
Bleeding, I laid on filth.
Prayers unanswered;
I’m alive, yet I’m dead.

Silence’s screaming,
Battling the demons;
Always is forever;
My life– my mortal hell.

Cigarettes

"i swore in front of that damn chicken that i'll quit smoking!"

what chicken was i talking about? the lechon manok LC and i ate after i was hospitalized because i may have a heart disease. oh crap! now, i'm really sick and the fun part is, nobody in my family seem to care! i don't need that pity sigh because i'm kind of used to it. no family stuffs to talk about here. i am going to blog about smoking.

a week and counting, i never toked a single cigar and i think i don't miss puffing one. easy breathing and smoke-free scent (i kind of love how i can smell my body butter and cologne). i never missed my friends and their noises and all that party stuffs i've been getting myself lately. i miss my old self, the "me" right now. i miss reading my books and doing this kind of stuffs:writing, blogging, sleeping, talking.. to myself. the old habits. the fun i was having alone minus the cigarettes. although i swore in front of my favorite dish never to smoke again, i don't trust myself to forever stick to that promise. promises are meant to be broken, goes the cliche. i realized after 3 days of being imprisoned in my own house, that there were reasons why i smoke. i always thought that smoking brings nothing but difficulty of breathing, bad breath, ashtray-like-scent, illnesses, but now came up with some reasons that could justify a guilty smoker. i don't mean to imply that these may be everybody's reason why they smoke, but i know somehow, they feel this.

1. the thinking moment when you smoke... alone.
- i always love how it makes me think deeper and how i over analyze things when i have a cigarette on hand. along with the smoke i blow, there are thoughts formed and it sometimes make me fall to the wonders of wandering with my thoughts.





2. the bitter taste of a cigar reminds me of the bitter things in life and how good it feels after you finish 1 stick.
- smoking is like living, the more you puff, the more difficult it is to breathe and the more bitter the taste becomes. yet, after smoking, you know you have to go on with what it is you left undone. just like life, no matter how many times you try to give something a break, you will always find a way to come back and finish what you have started.

3. relieving tension?
- i always say that smoking never relieves tension, hence it adds palpitations and elevates our blood pressure. so why have this reason now? actually, i felt relieved after i smoked the last time i was tensed. that was a week ago. no, not tensed, i was deeply anxious that i am again into some kind of emotions that would cut my life into pieces again. there was the thinking while smoking, and there was tension released after the hard exhale i made. i must admit, it made me feel better though.

4. drinking partner
- i am sober and there is no need for me to keep on hitting the bar for more spirits. i have my spirit cleansed, so far. there is the ads that says, "drink moderately". and so my slogan says, "smoke moderately". it's always nice to drink when you have your other hand occupied with cigarettes. i know everyone wouldn't agree to that.

there, i have my 4 reasons why i'll never quit smoking. i don't think that i am a guilty smoker who's convincing you that there is pleasure in smoking. the choice is still yours.

Tonight, My Knight

tonight, let alone be wandering.
through dimensions beyond mortality.
through uncertainty and apparitions.
just be my knight,tonight.

i hold my heart tonight,
another fearful move, i might.
i hold it up high, with the moon and stars in fight.
just be mine alone, tonight.

a kiss withered,
bargained embrace.
tonight may be the night,
tears will shed in light.

standing alone amidst the hue
let my lucid be the torch
this night, i offer myself,
to you, alone, tonight.

trembling, scared, my innocence partakes
clothed me with your nakedness
i closed my eyes and you were there.
our souls will meet in heaven, tonight.

let my eyes remain shut
let there be no light that cuts,
is this your dream or mine?
i'm falling deep in oblivion, tonight.

mind's meddling,
emotions rushing.
cold, i hug myself tonight.
bleeding, broken and nowhere to find.

hear me once, my heart speaks.
gnawing in silence.
im beaten, reality's been stabbing.
my slumbers will be our loving abode, tonight.