HELLO BREED!

Indeed there are people who doesn’t have much of a breeding and a simple statement meant a lot of bad things to them. I ain’t a hopeless case. I ain’t pathetic. It’s always you I feel sorry for. I’m glad I even read that and it doesn’t struck me however. It gave me a thought as to how pathetic those kinds of people are. I pity you, lady. I even pity you, gentleman. You two deserved each other and I on the other hand deserve only the best. Although I regret I ever knew you, but somehow I am proud of myself because I know for a fact that I left a mark in your life. I know that I taught you a lot of good things and shared with you a sensible togetherness. Passion wasn’t the case, we both have that and it was a good thing, even the best, but what you were lacking of was a grip. A grip in decisiveness and a grip of what you truly feel.  I can’t blame you however. I know how it feels like handling me. I know I’m a handful but giving up? It wasn’t something I thought  you are even capabale of doing. Well, so now it was in the past and I’ll even start digging up and burrying that tragic story. It’s not good for me nor will it be to those people who greatly value my endeavors. Things happen for a reason and whatever the reason for this phase in my life, I will soon figure out. I wouldn’t again waste my energy trying to console myself that you are still inlove with me. I wouldn’t do a thing that I thought is full of sense and a mature approach to people who have pea-sized  brains. I thought everybody’s like me. I thought everybody has a wide understanding and perspective like me. I’m sorry, my bad. I am only surrounded with those kinds of people. I am still on the winning stand because another rotten tomato was definitely out of my box. Cheers to a happy life! 

CASCADE

when my lights go low, i noticed something lucid shattering inside me. it's like i see something more than "hope" itself. i see my life ahead of me, not too clear, but bright. should i see this as basis that even if i would just lay on my bed the whole day, my life will be at its best later? sometimes, i would feel full and then at times, i feel so empty. i could sometimes see myself strolling in the same old place, so familiar yet too dimly lighted that i would feel like i'm lost yet i am safe. when i doze off, i would often have dreams of me burning into a forest where i was a warrior who battled with fire just to save myself and at the same time trying to wake my physical body. i also had dreamed about drowning and another kid was trying to push me deeper into the water. i had again fought with the kid, struggling to be alive. again, i was dreaming like it was a real one.


recently, i talked to my brother. i asked guidance. i asked him to be with me and help me pick up my pieces, give me something worth to look forward to. i've been brave enough to face my life's antagonists, but why is it harder to fight myself? in the first place, why have i been myself's enemy? how did it happen? i was trying to make my life better which resulted to a kind of experience that made me despise myself. what am i feeling? where am i heading? whom am i going to talk to? is it enough to just allow things to drift away? do i still have better options? am i still given another chance? i am so tired, but i can't just give up the promise i made. for myself. for my family. for JR. 

EPILOGUE

all of a sudden, there was change
and yet i thought this is ephemeral.
all of a sudden, there was you
and yet sight was hazy till you came clear.
all of a sudden, there was emotions
and yet i was too scared what my eyes reveal.
feelings untamed, emotions overflowing.

insatiable i am.
grasping only what's given.
inseparable i wanted us.
will it be too much to ask?
blissful romance, a myth.
now, i wanted to believe.

there is us.
there you are.
i hate the minute we're apart,
yet i'm restless when you're around.
i'm alive, my breathing's shallow.
in time your around,
i couldn't help but bellow.
stay.
that's all i'm asking.
love.
that's where we should be heading.

INTRUDER

Another breaking, another aching. He could have been better, but for now he's the best. I see him now, or I'll see him never, what matters is that we see the line together. He could be, he should be or else I'll be the Frisbee. A momentary suspension, a lifetime to linger. He is here, though forever is an ideal. All there is, is one simple act: understanding, though it's very generic. This word's often taken for granted, yet I say, this word meant the mundane world. Where is he if I do not understand him? Where will I, if I chose to be misunderstood? He is right at my door, knocking and he will keep on knocking until he finally breaks in. When he does, I'll be just there, impatient,but loving.

I'll see you when I see you.

Of Blood and Tears

Why does the torturing won't stop? I see that bloody firmament and i couldn't pass by the meadow without my tears turned crimson. Oh, I hate the feeling of rejection because I know them too much. The most wicked torture I man-made myself. I allow these demons to eat me alive. I welcome the shadows of my past in my intense dreams. Would you, my loving world bring me justice? Or should I be the one seeking for it? It's always my downfall, and I don't think I'll ever learn the lesson. Or maybe I am addicted to the pain it gives me. I thought love is the morphine? Why then I still feel the wounds were never healed? The wounds keep on getting more abrasions. Will I wait for the numbness of my soul? Or should I just allow this to keep on burning 'till I'm used to it? I have been there. Now, i am again getting there. I know exactly how it feels, but I keep coming back. Why? Do I  have the feeblest heart? Do I deserve this? Or am I just cursed? Whatever the answers to these queries, I intend to be myself. It's the only defense I could come up with. I always have to take the risks even if it means being the bloodied lass, broken and alone in the end.

ARIA

You asked me to make this for you, and here it is.

Tonight's a distant lullaby

A humming that comes from nowhere

Midnight is screaming its silence

Like my dreams with you fiddling.

Tunes i made from sobbing

A delicate song playing

I see you softly laying

As i rush towards you, chanting.

I love creating a world with you
Of words we mouth and chew.
I love the melody you filled in my head,
The dancing of you and me.

I devour your endless whisper
Crushed the doubt that's forming,
Your voice will always be my ditty
Forever, it'll be embedded in my memory.

Tonight's a fantasy.

Of a love that's built by a song.

Listen to my heart warbling,

Make the moonlight our witness.

MOVING ON...

Just when I thought my emotions were dead, I found someone who could revive this. So this I hope. It may take longer time to heal the wounds from the past, yet I know I am ready to take another step. The guidance I needed is now on track. I do not need to be afraid. I do not need to hold back. I just have to keep pushing my luck, if this is the only way to become stronger if not the strongest person. I have forgiven "him" already, and I can say that I am happy with his current status. I am working on the burial of my indecent actions and my impulsive activities.

There is the right time for everything and now is the time.

This is a matter of my heart.

This is going to be a start of something wonderful.

I intend to keep this going on with us. Working on it....