STROKES

May I see you now?

Yesterday was surreal.

And tomorrow's going to be

the waking part of me.

I keep hovering, oh it's daunting!

bubbles of anticipation...

to prick or let it pop,

or make it fall and fade.

You keep running,

I am chasing.

unaware, I keep babbling.

this tiny heart's pursuit

seeking kicks and punches.

Yeah, never mind

this won't be exhausting. 

today, i woke up and ran through my collective pens.

I took this one of different shade,

And I saw you, like you're near.

The beautiful canvass of hues and clues...

A resplendent masterpiece.

Thank God, the mighty artist. 

I explored; my thoughts astray,

caught a sight of you, the magnificent portrait. 

with soul hidden and unbidden

of crashes and clashes,

of beauty and perfection,

of spirit and light.

with eyes slightly closed, 

I let my fingers ran along the marks and linger;

In your heart, the paint, only I could trace,

Feel the warmth and define you by my senses.

Inside you, I can hear the beating;

I wish I could glimpse.

Do allow me. 

Beginning...

I've been dreading for this moment. To finally have my mind regain it's usual steep and my emotions' freesoul. I thought I have murdered it and buried it nowhere but yet, my body knew when to start walking the thought. There in the dark corner of the abyss, I found it and had a hard time pulling it up. It was so hard I almost gave up and just end my life. Then a thought struck me: Is there still anything that will make me quit? Life had offered me lot of flavors and it never ceases to give me some more. Yes, there could be a lot more than just those you have tasted but the thing is, I cannot put it in words. But here is what I have to say then; life is too simple. The things that complicate it are those demands that are brought about by education. Why can't it simply end with the basics?

 Change is the only constant thing and our lives are evolving and so do we. I don't know what life really is, no one knows until you live it. Wikipedia is only for reference, but it won't tell you how you should live it. This is reality, and with the harshness of the world, we need experience. This will teach us how to cope and battle with this immortal soldiers.

I'll start anew.
I can say I'm reborn.
Yes, this is also where I am going to share my journey and how I have grown up, not physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I have died many times, but I have chosen to get up and get going.

The reason I survived? HOPE. and this will still be the reason why I continue to seek for happiness and be thankful that everyday I still get to see man's beautiful chaos.

POISED

* this I wrote a while back when I was at my utmost anger and pain. And I would want to share this..


I ain't a villain
but I've anger from pain
I keep it tightened
Inside, locked up and burnin'
Cursin', swearin', believin'
That a day will pass I'll never keep holdin'.

Your face sends me shiver
From sheer anger vast as a river
I torture, yeah, i might kill her
That bitch's ass better fuck this favor!

And you, son of a bitch, are a sucker
For ugly truths you're damn ill- mannered!
I swear I'll never stop nor pause for that matter
Till you drop your head and fuckin' kiss my crimson top-sider!

THE STORY OF US (read with caution)

where do i start? i'll start from the day i met you. it wasn't the perfect day. it wasn't even a perfect night. you were not even on your perfect self, nor is it close to better. u were wasted and so are your friends. who the hell are you? i never thought that you could be this someone who will change a lot about me. if it's for the good, i can't answer that. but you were there and i was intently looking at you. scary it might be but you never bother looking back coz ur fucked up!

that was the first of the so many firsts i had with you. regrets? a lot! i regret that very first night i saw you! i regret the time i chose to go with a friend who was so crazy. even crazier than me. i regret i ever spent that night hanging out. i just regret. what i regret most is the second time that i came across you. it was almost good, not better. i was still grieving, it was like this month, November of 2009. how can i forget? i just lost my brother that time. you were there, sympathizing. feeling sad for me. i may not be so sure if that was real, but damn, i felt more grief getting track of how many of you felt genuinely sad for what i was going through that time. i again met you, my heart was almost broken.

time passed, we were creating memories. i thought it was nothing. you thought it was nothing. i got confused. i asked. "do you like me?" you answered "yes, i do!" Well, i know that. that was February 14th. a happy heart's day. supposedly. dramas came pouring in and so with lies. i asked, "do you love me?" you said, "yes, i do!" "why are you not courting me?" that's me. you answered me " basta." i have a lot of questions still but i rather kept my mouth shut because you are a lazy talker. and maybe, dumb. or maybe you just didn't understand my statements. or maybe you just wouldn't want to mind. bottomline: dumb.

i woke up one day. late. logged on to my computer. still addicted to facebook. i checked my notifications, feeds, private messages, online users. i saw you. the moment i checked your picture, you were not alone. you were with some ugly looking hag who almost looked like your aunt and i was shocked! furious! hurt! my thoughts that time was, "is this how you wanted me to know everything about why you refused to court me? even if you already said that you love me!" i felt betrayed. used. fooled. i never thought YOU could actually do that! of all the people, it was YOU!! i was so hurt i did not know how to act sane. where to go. who to talk to. that was another blow! a hard blow that it almost shoved my soul out. the pain was unbearable.

Fast forward>>>>>
maybe i am stupid. to most they would think i indeed am. yet, i tell you. i wasn't myself. i locked my brain out from my head. secured it in a dark room. i didn't want to dwell with it for awhile. that fuckin' brain will just mess with me. i suddenly get hooked continuously acting stupid.. with you. we were together until well, 2 days ago. almost 2 years of being an idiot, living with your lies, accepting it. blindfolding myself. FUCK. sharing you with that fuckin old hag. dealing with all the people's contemptuous remarks . keeping you away from my people. defending you in front of my people. fighting for you. i drained all my efforts just to make you feel that you are loved. that you are special. that you are my "almost everything". i did what i have to do, what i think i should do, even what i can't do so you would realize that i could only do so much for you. i left myself with nothing. and that maybe is one of the reasons why i feel so naked.

another incident....
i went home. i came back. hoping we could somehow spend our time together. not a chance.. they hate you because of what you did (and still doing). you send a text message early in the morning and i could never forget it. do you want to know how i felt with that message? i felt insulted! you said "i'll tell her you're pregnant so we can be together. text me if you agree with this." that was a lame, insulting, foolish message i ever received! i deleted that right away before someone will read it and despise you big time! i still protected you. next, you sent me another message. this time it was from her telling you that i could now be happy because she lost you over me. should i be happy? was that the reason why you forwarded that message? i was not glad with what you did! i was not even proud of you! because a real man knows how to face the consequences of his actions, and it wasn't you! well, still. i accepted you. we were happy actually or maybe i was just blurred by the idea because we were officially together. just you and i. you were finally opening up. adapting to my pace. it was surreal. it was happiness. but i have doubts because i felt something was odd. we fought a lot because of that stupid password and i didn't know it was one trap and i fell for it. it was more than a nightmare and all of these shit??? i kept for myself for long enough because i don't want to bother my people. i don't want them to disdainfully judge you or even blame you for my miseries. i was hoping everything's going to turn out fine and that's what i want them to see. i was trying to give them proofs that this will turn out into bliss. i was hopeful and so i kept you and still believed in you. isn't that greatness? huh! these things are now worthless! it's like i just wasted all of those time and efforts and time and efforts and time and efforts!!! i am so fuckin exhausted. i am so fuckin hurt! i have nothing to hide now. whoever  reads this will know what a loser i am! what a freak i am! he did nothing for me. not a single effort. he can't even let his family know i exist. he has his reasons and i'm sick of trying to fit in to his cloudy little world. i need words and actions all at the same time and i need a man who will be strong for me not a man who acts like a college dude who knows nothing but those shallow, silly things that are not worth to be talked about! you are a coward! you are the most coward person i ever came across with! i hope you have the heart to even think about your sisters. they're beautiful and they have a world ahead of them but what have you done? do you even want them to experience the pain you put me through? enough of your selfishness dude! fuckin coward!!!

" YOU CHEATED ON HER WITH ME. BROKE UP WITH HER AND CHOSE ME. THEN, YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH HER. BROKE UP WITH ME AND CHOSE HER. THEN, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME. AND YOU LOVE HER. AND FUCK YOU!!!"


this is the point where i now decide to end this. i know this is me with my brain finally back on. this is me being decisive. this is ME. i have been through a lot of things and i am strong. i don't need to settle for less just because i invested time and emotion. the length of time that we were together counts to zero. it was nothing. it was a waste! you threw me away. made me an option and now eliminated me. is this a game of "who was with me long enough"? what a retard.

this is my story. my hopeful turned hapless story. i tried to make it to the happily ever after, but that only happens in the fairy tales. like when cinderella dropped her shoe, it was not destiny. she hoped that the prince will look at her in a different way. that was intentionally dropped because when you want something and you know that something will make you happy, you have to work your ass off to get that. nothing in life comes easy. i thought i could do that, but i failed. i am already done with the two great loves. only mine were all  moronic. i'm done with this phase. you can get the hell out of my life!

and oh by the way, i love how you could actually turn things so fast. saw that post on your wall and that proved me right with my decision. stop acting so genuine. you are hell of a fake! you and her deserved each other anyway. the dumb and the dumber-er. thank you for actually bringing me back the real me. i may have a lot of things to do to fix me, but in the end, i know and i am so sure you will regret messing with me! and fuck you for saying that i will never be happy! happiness is a choice, and i chose to be happy that's the reason why i am leaving you! i quite know as well that it is you who will never be happy, because i know that my good friends GUILT and CONSCIENCE and as well as KARMA (my bestfriend) will never stop until you get to have your price! and yes, for you girl! good luck with that guy you are with. i hope that i don't consume half of his thoughts. poor you fugly whore, until the time you guys settled down, he will never forget me! 


*Mingming

what is it to come? been through a tragic journey and all i could have right now are memories. memories that couldn't help me get up in morning without mourning. i wish actions were as easy as words. i wish that it's easy for me to take a leap of faith and not to regret anything. i wish that people were as rational as they should really be. i wish that wishes do come true. i just would wish. 

rough patches i went through will always be something that wold remind me that i was once a fighter, yet nothing nor no one could actually stop hurting me as long as i live. the happiness that i really want to possess will only be a goal as long as i live. the love that i really long is just something i could actually give. i have to be content with the warmth the people has offered me. i could give out more, i know. it's the essence of my existence. it's something i could always think about and be happy about. i am happy though right now, my heart is actually bleeding. 

You see I always think that I was never good enough or even enough. I never see myself being content with the things that oi have. I blame it to ambitions. I blame it to love. I blame it to people who spoiled me with love. Yet, I am always thankful. I am always thankful that I was blessed with not only god people. Best friends. Loving family. I am thankful that I have these values that I learned from all the experiences I’ve went through. The failures, frustrations, pains and the least laughter. Good old laughter. I miss that. I miss having to feel this freedom. Freedom that at last made me come to my senses. I worked hard for this freedom. I worked hard to achieve this peace. I worked hard to appreciate what had happened. I always work hard for the things that I want although it may not be what everybody wants. I’ll work hard for what everybody wants now, not because it’s the right thing they think it would be for me, but I know that it will be the best thing I could offer myself and my world.

For the past that I have given my life to, thank you for maing me realize  that how different we are. I knew that from the start but I still keep on pushing what I want because I did love you. Yet, everything must come to an end and God saw that I’ve been trying so hard to make everything work but it’s not that simple. It’s getting unfair. God saw how I made you my life and prioritize you which then was a ringing signal of self destruction. I knew all of that. i knew I was falling apart yet I never tried  to gave up because it wasn’t me who easily gives up. I have no regrets making you feel that way because I did all my best and gave all my love that no one can possibly provide you. I know you will never forget me and even if you are  with that person again, I know I’ll always be arounhd your thoughts and inside your heart. With that, justice has been served. 

HELLO BREED!

Indeed there are people who doesn’t have much of a breeding and a simple statement meant a lot of bad things to them. I ain’t a hopeless case. I ain’t pathetic. It’s always you I feel sorry for. I’m glad I even read that and it doesn’t struck me however. It gave me a thought as to how pathetic those kinds of people are. I pity you, lady. I even pity you, gentleman. You two deserved each other and I on the other hand deserve only the best. Although I regret I ever knew you, but somehow I am proud of myself because I know for a fact that I left a mark in your life. I know that I taught you a lot of good things and shared with you a sensible togetherness. Passion wasn’t the case, we both have that and it was a good thing, even the best, but what you were lacking of was a grip. A grip in decisiveness and a grip of what you truly feel.  I can’t blame you however. I know how it feels like handling me. I know I’m a handful but giving up? It wasn’t something I thought  you are even capabale of doing. Well, so now it was in the past and I’ll even start digging up and burrying that tragic story. It’s not good for me nor will it be to those people who greatly value my endeavors. Things happen for a reason and whatever the reason for this phase in my life, I will soon figure out. I wouldn’t again waste my energy trying to console myself that you are still inlove with me. I wouldn’t do a thing that I thought is full of sense and a mature approach to people who have pea-sized  brains. I thought everybody’s like me. I thought everybody has a wide understanding and perspective like me. I’m sorry, my bad. I am only surrounded with those kinds of people. I am still on the winning stand because another rotten tomato was definitely out of my box. Cheers to a happy life!